Cie'th
by Socially Introverted
Summary: Sometimes, you don't have to be a l'Cie who failed its focus to become one... This story is rated M for mature situations and not because of smut. There'll be some in later chapters though I have no idea when. FLight.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: New story people but this one is rather dark. It involves a suicide attempt so please, if you're under 18 (or 21) do not read! And if you're older and depressed, do not attempt! I'm not encouraging this, I used that part because it fits in the story. Depression and suicide can be avoided and treated if you seek help.**

**I went into a dark place inside myself to write this, though it was a long time ago. But I have to admit that I cried when I wrote it. I hope this story will touch you.**

**Happy reading. :)**

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><p><strong>Cie'th<strong>

"Stay together!"

All her companions grabbed each other's hands as they flew upwards; except two of them. They were falling into the endless void. She tried to reach for them but it was like two opposite forces pulled them apart. Before the abyss engulfed her friends, one of them flashed that cocky smile she had come to love so much. There was resignation in that smile though, and a bit of sadness too. Deep green eyes locked with azure ones for one last time. That was when she knew she would never see those beautiful eyes again. She saw the two women hold hands, as they twisted and adopted a yin and yang position. And then, they disintegrated.

"No!" she cried out, desperation and anguish twisting her insides.

Claire "Lightning" Farron opened her eyes slowly. Her heart thumped loudly inside her chest, leaving her slightly out of breath. She blinked a few times and felt tears fall down her cheeks. She swallowed and exhaled shakily.

The image of the holoclock materialized to the left side of her bed.

"Good morning lieutenant Farron! Did you sleep...?"

She interrupted the annoying voice by pressing the 'off' button encased in her nightstand. The image vanished into thin air. She reminded herself that she would have to change the settings on her alarm clock and choose something a little less... cheerful.

She groaned, sat cross-legged in her bed and cradled her head in her hands. Five years had passed and the same nightmare haunted her still. She thought that after all this time, she would stop dreaming about her but she sadly realized it wasn't the case. On the contrary, the dream had become more frequent since the last few days. She didn't know what to make of it.

The soldier wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. The gesture was sharp, as if she was ashamed for showing one moment of weakness. She put both feet on the floor and raked her hand through her asymmetrical strawberry blond hair – as if this could help her chase away the remnants of her dream. She didn't even bother to make her bed, which was so unusual for her. Lightning had always been a very tidy person. Everything had always been in its place, where it was supposed to be. But she wasn't the same Lightning anymore.

Not since there was nothing left for her to live for.

Oh, she had Serah but her sister was happily married with Snow now and they were proud parents of two beautiful children. They were busy enjoying their new life while Lightning was left alone.

The weight of her own life felt so heavy on her shoulders... Sometimes, she wondered why she was still alive and breathing.

With a loud sigh, she stood up and slowly dragged her feet towards the bathroom. The hallway seemed to stretch endlessly as she put one foot in front of the other. Finally, she reached the bathroom. Fal'cie! It was so hard getting out of bed now. And taking a shower? Simple tasks like basic hygiene and feeding herself demanded a tremendous amount of energy and left her exhausted.

She slowly took off her t-shirt, shorts and underwear. She stood in front of the mirror and took a good look at herself. Her reflection stared back at her, frowning. She wasn't pleased with what she saw but didn't have the strength to care anymore.

Her hair had lost it shine and softness. The strawberry blond colour – which used to be almost pink, looked dull. Her face was deathly pale and her eyes... They had always been her best features but now, they had lost their spark, their fire. Their colour – usually a beautiful cerulean blue – had been washed out to be replaced by lifeless grey. She had permanent dark circles under her eyes and that perpetual frown... People used to tell her she looked stern but it got worse as the years went by.

Her gaze traveled down her body. She still had stunning curves and toned muscles due to years of training. One thing had changed though. She brushed the spot above her left breast, where the l'Cie brand had been. The mark was gone and only scar tissue remained; the design slightly whiter than her skin tone. She could still see the arrows with its angry eye; a permanent reminder of her life as a former enemy of Cocoon.

"Tch," she uttered while making a grimace at her twin in the mirror. She would have smashed the thing, if she'd had the energy for it.

Inside the shower stall, she programmed the temperature to a nice 'warm-hot' setting. Head hung down; Lightning put her hands against the tiles, palms flat, as the water streamed down her shoulder blades. She flexed them, trying to relax but the water drops felt more like hot needles piercing her skin. She ached all over, inside and out. She felt like her skin was stretched too thin on her frame. She sighed heavily, washed her hair and body quickly and turned off the water. She towelled herself dry and got out.

She put on her Guardian Corps uniform. It was still the same, except for the yellow stripes on her pauldron, which had been replaced by bright orange ones. She attached the straps of her leather case to the bottom of her overcoat and her thigh pack. Her knee-high combat boots made a loud noise across the house as she went to pick up her gunblade. She lifted the dual weapon that was almost like an extension of her and with a quick flick of her wrist, slid it inside its case.

She locked the door behind her, jumped on her velocycle and left for work.

Work. Before becoming a l'Cie, it had been the main focus of her life. She had been so busy making ends meet and protecting Serah that slowly but surely, they had drifted apart. After freeing her sister from her crystal prison, she had made the promise they would never be separated again. She swore to Serah she would get closer and spend more time with her. But with Snow constantly in the picture, she felt like the fifth wheel of the carriage. She hated to admit it but he was doing a good job in making her little sister happy and he was an excellent father. Lightning felt less needed and eventually, she spent less and less time with Serah and let work become the center of her life once again.

Old habits die hard it seemed.

She knew it was her duty to make it better but she felt it was useless to try and perhaps it was too late now.

It seemed to be too late for lots of things. So now, work was her friend, her lover and her family but most of all, it had become her solace. Because of it, she didn't have to think.

The crisp morning air of Gran Pulse whipped her hair around her face as she drove towards the Archelyte Steppe. The Guardian Corps headquarters were located in the town of New Bodhum, not far from the gargantuan crystal pillar that supported what was left of Cocoon. When she arrived in the parking lot, she stopped the velocycle and turned off the engine. As she got off, she heard a voice behind her.

"Lieutenant Farron?"

She turned around slowly and saw a soldier walking towards her. He stopped in front of her and brought his arm horizontally against his chest in a rigid salute.

"At ease private," she said, returning it. "What is it?"

She started walking resolutely towards the main building. The young man followed her, matching her stride.

"It's one of the l'Cie, M'am."

Lightning stopped dead in her tracks. Her heart beat wildly inside her ribcage with fear and anticipation. It had been a long time since she'd heard that word. The l'Cie left inside the pillar had been practically forgotten and nobody ever talked about them anymore.

"Which one?"

"The tall one."

She turned slowly towards him as her eyes narrowed. "What about her?"

"You'll have to see for yourself. Dr. Wilson is waiting for you; he's the one who sent me."

She nodded sharply, tugged on the glove of her right hand and resumed her walk.

"Lead the way."

Eden… Lightning couldn't remember the last time she went to visit Fang and Vanille. Not long after The Fall, it had been decided by higher authorities that the l'Cie could not and should not be forgotten, be it for the right or the wrong reasons. A memorial had been erected in their honour and little by little, a museum had been created so people from Cocoon could remember what had happened and who were the ones responsible for their freedom or their demise, depending if you were pro fal'Cie or not.

In the beginning, Lightning spent entire days in the company of her friends. She told them about her daily life and as silly as it might have sounded, kept them up to date with what was going on since they'd chosen to sacrifice themselves for the good of mankind. But mostly, she told them how much she missed them because deep down inside, she hoped they could hear her and perhaps one day, they would finally wake up from their crystal slumber.

Days turned into weeks, and then months, and after a year, hope started to diminish. But she didn't want to lose hope. She couldn't. If she did, it meant what Fang and Vanille had done was for nothing. She couldn't let them go; she couldn't let _her_ go.

But Snow saw to that...

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><p><strong>A year after The Fall<strong>

Serah had finally been able to get a hold of her older sister and had invited her for dinner. Lightning had agreed; albeit reluctantly but she had and that was a start. Serah hadn't seen her sister in a while and she missed her terribly. Homemade cooking was the best way to catch up on things in Serah's opinion. Despite Lightning's reluctance to come over, she had appreciated Serah's meal. She was too proud to admit it but she too had missed her sister.

They spent the rest of the evening talking and sipping drinks. While Serah went to put the twins to bed, Snow and Lightning reminisced about their time as l'Cie. It was their way of connecting as brother and sister-in-law. Snow took a swallow of his beer and let out a small chuckle.

"Do you remember when Fang performed her Highwind attack? Each time we'd get treated with a view of her underwear! After the battle, our mouths would hang wide open in shock and she'd say 'What?' and then she'd saunter off like nothing happened."

A ghost of a smile played on Lightning's lips. She'd always suspected Fang had an exhibitionist streak. She was practically naked underneath that sari. Lightning couldn't help staring when the dark-haired woman did her special move. After that, she'd noticed Fang did it more often. A nice blush crept up her cheeks and she took a long swig of her whiskey, emptying her glass.

"How are you holding up?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Did you ever tell her how you felt?"

Lightning stared at Snow wide eyed with shock and almost choked. She thought Snow was too dense to notice but she'd been wrong. The slip of emotions didn't last long though. She closed herself up instantly and crossed her arms on her chest.

A frustrated sigh escaped her lips. "Why when we're on the point of getting along, you always come up with something stupid to say and ruin the moment?"

Snow didn't seem the least bit offended by her comment and continued without realizing he was threading a dangerous path.

"You didn't tell her," he sighed heavily.

"Drop it Snow," she warned. "Serah woke up and so will they. I'll decide my course of action when the time comes. And by the way, it's none of your business so just leave it at that."

"I suspected there was something... Why didn't you do it when you had the chance?"

One thing hadn't changed. Snow was still able to push the right buttons and make her angry. She shot up from the couch. "Because I couldn't! All right?" She lowered her gaze and her voice was barely above a whisper. "I thought after we'd take care of Orphan, I would have all the time in the world."

Snow leaned forward and his gaze locked with hers. "Sis, you may not like what I'm about to say but there's a possibility Fang might not wake up this time."

"How dare you say that? You, who never lost faith that Serah would wake up one day. Fang and Vanille slept for five hundred years and still they came out of stasis. Why should it be different this time?" she said, her voice a higher pitch than her usual husky one.

"Lightning..."

"No! They've completed their Focus so they should wake up. They have to. She has to..." She felt her voice leave her.

Snow stood up and made the mistake of touching Lightning. "Sis... Fang could be..."

Sleeping forever? Dead? She didn't want to contemplate that possibility because if she heard the word, it would crush the last bit of hope she had left. It would mean she'd missed the chance to tell her how she truly felt and it would mean that opportunity was lost forever.

She shoved him away. "Don't touch me!"

"... gone."

Something snapped inside her and without realizing it, her right hand closed up into a tight fist and her arm uncoiled like a spring. The punch sent Snow flying over the couch. Her little nieces got awoken by the noise and started crying. Serah ran down the stairs, in panic.

"What's going on? Snow!" She ran over to her husband who laid flat on his back on the floor, holding his jaw. She helped him get up and stared in shock at her sister.

Lightning took a few steps back towards the door. "I'm leaving."

"Claire! Why'd you hit him?"

"Your idiot husband can't keep his mouth shut."

She opened the door and pointed her finger towards Snow while locking gaze with Serah. Her voice had an edge of menace. "Keep him away from me, if you know what's best for him."

When she got home, Lightning kicked her boots across the hall. She walked into the living room and opened a new bottle of whiskey, determined to continue where she had left off. She was on a roll and on her way to get senselessly drunk. She didn't need a shot glass because it wasn't big enough. She brought the bottle to her lips and took several gulps. After a few minutes, the burning sensation in her oesophagus and the pleasurable warmth coursing through her veins were barely noticeable. She didn't want to feel and hoped the alcohol would help drown her sorrow, her pain, her guilt and her lack of courage because she had chickened out. She wanted to bury her emotions deep inside herself and feel numb. If she could drink herself to a coma then maybe, maybe she'd be able to forget.

Her blurry gaze zeroed in on the photo of Fang and Vanille she had seen in their former home in Oerba, the very home she had chosen to live in after The Fall. With a groan, she got up slowly and dragged her feet on the wooden floor. She took the picture and put it down on the coffee table. She flopped down next to it and brought the bottle to her lips once more.

"It must be fun sleeping forever without a care in the world. At least, you're not the one who's stuck here," she slurred at the picture.

They were supposed to save Cocoon together and Fang had promised her but when the time came; she didn't stick to the plan. She had decided to become Ragnarok with Vanille and had stopped Cocoon from crashing onto Pulse. Now she was in a crystal sleep and Lightning was still here, all alone.

Fang had abandoned her and by doing that, she had betrayed her.

"You had no right Fang, no right at all to decide for me. You preferred acting behind my back instead of having the guts to tell me the truth. You know what? You're just a coward," she spat, her voice filled with venom.

Lighting had been through so much since The Fall. She was trying to get her life back together but the trial, her demotion, her ruined career – everything had taken its toll on her. She had to start all over and it didn't matter how much effort she put into it. Even though she wasn't a l'Cie anymore, people still considered her an enemy of Cocoon; a monster. She was looked upon with suspicion and nobody trusted her. She was treated like a pariah by her own kind. With each passing day, life was becoming unbearable and she was so tired of trying to survive... She was an open wound on two legs. No matter how hard she tried, she wasn't able to heal.

If she ended it now, she'd finally find peace.

She sobered up in an instant. Everything was so clear. The last time she had been so sure of herself was when she had decided to go after the Sanctum. She clenched her jaw and took out her gunblade from its holster. She undid the safety latch. It was fully charged and ready to use.

She got down on her knees in front of Fang and Vanille's picture. Her eyes were staring at Fang, trying to engrave in her mind a face she couldn't even remember anymore. She tilted her head back, putting the gun under her chin. The cold metal made her shiver lightly. Her hand traveled down her weapon slowly, like she would caress a lover, until her index finger rested on the trigger.

She never missed a shot at long range so there was no way she could miss this one.

The former soldier took a deep breath, getting ready to commit that irreparable gesture. For a few seconds, she imagined how it would end. Would she feel pain when the bullet would penetrate under her chin and come out of the back of her skull leaving a bloody gaping wound and splashing her brain on the wall? Her gaze never left the face of the one who had left a deep mark on her heart.

She knew it would never belong to another.

She gritted her teeth, her breathing accelerating and her heartbeat thumping wildly inside her ribcage. A drop of sweat trickled down her temple.

_Come on. Just pull the trigger and it'll be over in a second. You'll finally be free from all this pain..._

She blinked a few times, her eyes looking away from the Pulsian's face. She could almost feel the brunette's eyes boring through her, judging her. She closed them, unable to stand that viridian gaze.

Her breathing became irregular. Unable to control it anymore, she started hyperventilating. She couldn't stop shaking and she had to get a hold of herself because if she didn't, she would miss her shot and disfigure herself.

_Do it! Do it now!_

There was this huge ball of suffering in the middle of her stomach that had been sitting there for years. She felt it moving and she tried to stop it but was unable to as it made its way up to her chest, threatening to choke her. The pain went upward, towards her mouth, transforming itself into a sound of despair she never thought she would hear.

It was the sound of a wounded animal. It shook her to the core and she felt something warm streaming down her cheeks.

Tears.

She opened her eyes and in a fit of rage, threw her gunblade across the room not caring for the lost bullet. The weapon hit the picture, sending it flying and crashing against the opposite wall.

She stayed there, unable to move, her eyes glued on the picture frame. That's when she noticed the cracks crisscrossing the glass.

That was her wake up call. She ran towards the object and took it. Her fingers traced the patterns of the broken glass. Thank Eden, the picture was undamaged. She pressed it to her heart and closed her eyes as she rocked herself on her heels.

She choked sob came out of her mouth. "I miss you... Oh, how I miss you!"

She knew Fang would've been against her ending her own life. But there was another way, a way that brought a small smile to her lips.

She wouldn't put an end to her suffering that way. She would do better than that. She would slowly waste herself away.

The end result would be the same.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I remembered I still had another chapter I could upload while working on Cocoon Meets Pulse chappy 11. My arm is much better now though it's not completely healed and it'll probably never get back to what it used to be but hey, that's life. At least I can get back to writing. The downside of it though is that I have to pay back the CSST (some kind of commission to help injured workers... yeah right) all the days I didn't work because it seems I didn't injure my arm at work. I have my own theory on the matter but explaining it here would be too vulgar so I'll pass. I intend to contest the decision so it'll end up in court but I'm confident. If I lose, at least I'll have enough time to save the money to pay them back.**

**Once again this chapter is rated M for mature subject and not because of smut. It's dark so you've been warned.**

**All characters from Final Fantasy XIII belong to Square Enix. I just write stories about them to entertain people.**

**Thank you all for following me and reviewing my work. You're the reason why writers keep doing what they do and why they're loving it. :)**

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

**Present day, five years after The Fall**

Lighting followed her subordinate until they reached the massive crystal pillar that still held Cocoon, preventing the micro planet from crashing down onto its big sister, Gran Pulse. It was also there that the l'Cie museum was located.

It had been Fang and Vanille's prison for the last five years. Or perhaps it had become their home now. Who could say?

Before entering the premises, the lieutenant touched the slick surface of the pillar. It was smooth and slightly cool. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to set foot inside and have her mind assaulted by memories she had buried deep inside herself so long ago. She had faced countless monsters, defeated Barthandelus and Orphan. She had gone through hell and came back. How she'd come back was another story. Still, she had survived impossible odds.

But she couldn't go in there and face Vanille and Fang. She couldn't face _her_. She willed her body to move but it refused to respond to her brain's command. She stood there, listening to the frantic beatings of her heart, which grew in speed and intensity until she felt that tight ball in the middle of her stomach, a prelude to an episode of anxiety.

"M'am?" There was some slight concern in the private's deep voice.

Lightning opened her eyes slowly and if it had not been for her heart beating like a jackhammer inside her ribcage, she would've been the image of self-control incarnate.

She frowned. "Right..."

They walked through a long dim lit corridor. The walls reflected the lights, making them glow a slick soft blue. The structure seemed to engulf them as they made their way to the memorial. It was oddly silent and the sound of their footsteps echoed around them, like when you're walking inside a temple. It was very peaceful before and after visiting hours and in other circumstances, she would've welcomed that sense of well-being.

It had been a long time since her last visit but Lightning couldn't help feeling awed by the place. In a way, it was considered sacred ground and she felt humbled every time she came here. After so long, the feeling was still the same.

As they got closer to Vanille and Fang's resting place, more information about the l'Cie were revealed to them. There were different pictures here and there with descriptions of Gran Pulse and Oerba. Even the curious visitor who knew nothing of the women, who had played such a major role in Cocoon's fate, would come out at the end of his or her visit with the impression that he or she had known them all along.

But Lightning didn't need pictures with text written underneath them to know the l'Cie. She knew them better than everybody else. They had shared things together that so few people had. Oh they hadn't been able to replace Serah but they had done a very good job at trying to be her surrogate family for a while.

And one of them had meant more than family but... It was too late for that anyway.

The soldier stopped in front of two holograms. Each of them was a life size replica of the Pulsian women. She got closer to Fang's. She looked so real that Lightning couldn't help but reach up and touch her face. Her fingers lingered, like a blind woman trying to etch into her mind the features of someone she would never be able to see.

Her heart clenched and for a moment, she couldn't breathe properly.

The private had continued walking only to realize that his superior wasn't following behind anymore. Turning on his heels, he returned and stopped next to the lieutenant. She didn't appear to notice him. She stood there, transfixed by the taller l'Cie's image. He didn't miss the hard set of her jaw as she tried to keep a tight leash on the emotions that threatened to explode.

"M'am. Dr. Wilson is waiting..."

"Just give me a minute private. I'll meet you there shortly," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

But her tone was clear. It wasn't a request, it was an order.

The soldier saluted her and left her there in the company of the only substitute she had left. For a few minutes, she examined Fang's dark wild hair, her tanned face, her piercing viridian gaze that made her blush so many times in the past that she had lost count. Her eyes lingered on the Pulsian's lips. Those lips that she had dreamed of kissing and never had the chance. If she stayed here longer, she could practically expect Fang to come to life, take her in her arms and whisper how much she missed her.

But reality wasn't like that. She was here alone, condemned to wander Gran Pulse like a restless spirit, clinging to a fading memory until she would rot and fade away in turn.

Her hand left Fang's face and clenched into a tight fist.

"Tch," she hissed at the hologram before turning on her heels and leaving in the dark the copy of a lover that would never be.

When she reached the memorial, two Guardian Corps guards were waiting for her. She took her gunblade out and handed it to them, knowing she would get it back on her way out. At this point, every visitor had to be searched before going into the room where the l'Cie were and Lightning was no exception. Security was tight and there were video cameras everywhere as well as infrared sensors and movement detectors. The crystallized Pulsians had to be protected day and night in case they woke up someday.

"All clear," one of the guards said.

She nodded briskly and resumed her walk down the hall, towards what most people called the 'main attraction'.

Lightning walked into a large circular room that looked like a shrine. The lights were out and the only source of illumination came from the two crystallized forms hovering in mid-air, right above some kind of altar and bathing the whole room in a soft bluish glow. Crystal shards floated about the room. At the feet of the altar rested dried flowers, letters and even some chocobo plush toys. The l'Cie were held aloft by some mysterious means, almost as if a force field prevented them from crashing into a million pieces onto the ground.

Dr. Wilson stood in front of Fang, his fingers dancing on his tablet's display. Deep concern etched on his face. Lightning stopped next to him, waiting patiently for him to finish what he was doing. But deep inside, she was a mess of anxiety mixed with anticipation and standing in place just for a few seconds was pure torture. What was going on with Fang?

After a while, he lifted his gaze from his tablet and looked at the soldier. "Lieutenant Farron. There you are."

"You wanted to see me?" Her face was impassive, not betraying the whirlwind of emotions inside her. But she didn't look at the l'Cie. She didn't want to; afraid her mask of self-control would crack.

The scientist nodded. "Indeed. As you clearly know, it's about the l'Cie called Fang."

The l'Cie called Fang. Lightning clenched her jaw at the remark. The way he said it, he made the Pulsian sound like an object. She was a crystal now but still.

"What's going on?"

"Well, it is interesting. A month ago, one of the guards on duty went for his usual round. When he stopped in front of the l'Cie, he noticed that one of them didn't seem to glow as much as usual. He also heard cracking sounds but since he wasn't alarmed, he didn't report the incident."

"And?"

"And one day while I was doing the usual check up, he told me about it. That got me curious and I decided to run some tests."

"What did you find?" Lightning's voice was barely above a whisper. Her heart was thundering inside her chest.

Dr. Wilson handed her the tablet. "See the image here? It looks perfectly normal. But if you look closely...," he touched the image, zooming it.

Lightning stood there with the device in her hand, frowning. All she could see were white lines crisscrossing a blue surface that looked like granulated sugar and some areas were pitted.

"Uh... What is it?"

The scientist stared at her like she was an idiot and she almost slapped him. "Why, it's a close-up of the l'Cie's crystal of course!"

She blinked several times and he sighed in resignation.

"Like I said, I performed several tests on the crystal such as resistance to scratching and vibrations. But the most conclusive of them all was Mohs's hardness test. What you see here is the final result."

Lightning handed the tablet back to him. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose before letting out a loud sigh.

She had no idea what he was talking about and her patience was wearing thin. "Look, doctor. I know you're very busy and have more important things to do than be here and check on Fang. So please, can you get to the point?" She almost choked at the pronunciation of Fang's name. It had been so long since the last time she'd said it that it sounded alien to her now.

"This image shows micro fractures and cleavages. Then, there's the significant lack of lustre when it's supposed to be completely transparent. Lastly, based on Mohs's Scale, the l'Cie's hardness has dropped dramatically. A month ago, the crystal was as hard as diamond and now, it's as soft as calcite. Those are definitely proofs that its structural integrity is being compromised and as time goes by, it's getting worse."

Lightning wasn't a scientist but she could tell when she heard bad news.

"And what's going to happen to Fang?" The last words came out as a whisper.

"To be honest, I can't say for sure since that never happened before but I think there are two options. Fang could become crystal dust at any moment or she could wake up."

The scientist's words were like a punch in the gut making Lightning almost bend over with grief. She knew she should look forward to the second option but she had lost hope so long ago that the only logical conclusion for her was Fang crumbling and disappearing forever. She wouldn't be just dead, she would cease to exist and the thought of it was unbearable.

She finally dared looking at the woman who had been able to tear down all her defenses. Fang floated above the ground, unaware of the fate waiting for her. That damn Pulsian had exposed her to an emotion called love. A love Lightning never dared return because it meant becoming completely vulnerable and at the other's mercy. Regret washed over her. Why? Why didn't she act when she had the chance?

Now it was really too late.

She couldn't take her eyes away from Fang. She was vaguely aware of Dr. Wilson talking, though she couldn't decipher his words as his voice slowly faded away. Sweat broke out on her brow and she felt bile rise up in the back of her throat. Her peripheral vision darkened gradually. She started hyperventilating and had to control herself by breathing sharply through her nose. She felt dizzy and realized she was about to pass out.

She couldn't allow that to happen.

The lieutenant clenched her fists tightly and bit the inner side of her cheek until she tasted blood. By the cheer force of her will, she managed the panic attack that had taken over her mind and her body, delaying the inevitable for a few more minutes. She gritted her teeth and turned sharply towards Dr. Wilson, who didn't seem to notice her emotional turmoil.

She put a hand on his shoulder and whispered harshly. "From now on, the memorial is closed to visitors. I don't care what excuse you come up with but nobody must know about this except captain Nabaat and me. At the slightest change, I want to be notified. I don't care what time it is. Understood?"

The scientist nodded. Satisfied, Lightning turned on her heels and left the memorial at a pace slightly faster than usual. She almost forgot to take back her gunblade on her way out.

* * *

><p>Once outside, she made sure nobody was around watching and only then, did she allow her emotions to come up to the surface. The sad truth felt like a slap in the face and she realized she had fooled herself all those years. She thought she had given up hope and had resigned herself to the fact that Fang would be in stasis forever. Still, there was a body even though it was crystallized and inanimate.<p>

Somewhere, there was a tiny bit of hope left. But now, Fang could crumble and disappear at any moment and when that would happen, there would be nothing left. There would be nothing to hold on to. It was too much for her brain to process.

She shook uncontrollably as she let her feelings take over. As much as she wanted to suppress them, it was too late now. They wanted to be acknowledged and she let them as the panic attack she had been able to control came back like a whiplash. Palms flat against the base of the pillar; she braced herself for the onslaught. Anguish spread all over her body as unknown fear took control of her mind. She couldn't breathe. Her heart beat so fast she thought she would have a heart attack. She was so scared she felt like dying. The dizziness made her fall down on her knees and she threw up the contents of last night's dinner all over the place.

After what seemed like an eternity, Lightning got up on shaky legs and leaned against the slick crystal wall. It felt cool on her sweaty brow as she wiped spittle from her lips with the back of her hand. Her ribs hurt from all the retching and she almost threw up again as she swallowed the bitter taste she had in her mouth.

She felt defeated, broken. Now she knew there was nothing left for her to live for and wished she could disappear from the surface of Gran Pulse. If only Etro could hear her prayers and free her from this torment. For the last five years, she'd been asking – no – begging the Pulsian deity to let her die or give her enough courage to finally do it.

But she was still here.

From the first moment she had seen Fang she had felt something deep, some kind of connection. She had never thought she would fall in love with her though but it had happened, much to her surprise. She wasn't ready to love someone. How could she when the Sanctum was constantly on her heels, when she had to bear the heavy burden of freeing her sister and trying to figure out an impossible Focus?

There was no place for love so she had kept her feelings hidden and by doing that, she had missed her chance.

"I'm sorry Fang," she whispered so low she could barely hear herself. "I ruined everything


End file.
